Saturday Night Smash


((The show opens with the UWF theme blasting from the loudspeakers. The words "Wednesday Night Wrath" come up on the screen, and fade to black. A highlight reel then starts to air, showing Manimal sending Darkk down the Road to Nowhere through a Flaming table, Harley Quinn drilling Black Falcon with Kingdom Come, and Max Power nailing the Power Surge on Barkoff. The camera then fades in to a packed UWF Arena..)

Romeo Blue vs. Scoyan Hinklebottom

Matt: The first match on our card tonight is sure to please. Scoyan Hinklebottom who made an impressive debut just recently has really come to play here in the UWF. His opponant this evening is another new-comer. Making his UWF debut tonight, Romeo Blue has already done his best to make a few enemies.

Snappy: Right you are, Matt. This guy Rodeo is really getting on a lot of nerves here. I kinda like it. Shows that he's not here to make freinds. That's what you've gotta do if you wanna get anywhere in this business.

Matt: Snappy, you are an idiot. How in the hell do you know anything about making it in this business? You have never even been in the ring.

Snappy: Well, that's what the guy on WCW said. he said that....

Matt: Shut up. Just shut up. The wrestlers are making their way to the ring.

(The trumpets of "New World Symphony start, and out walks Scoyan Hinklebottom, to a mixed reaction.)

Matt: Here comes Scoyan, he's looking intense tonight. He's got that fire in his eyes.

Snappy: Yeah, just like that Meng guy. He's a monster.

(Eiffel 65's "Blue" starts, and blue lasers are flying around the arena. A huge blue burst of pyrotechnics goes off at the top of the ramp, and Romeo Blue walks out. He's getting a ton of heat from the guys, but the girls seem to have taken a liking to this Frenchman.)

Matt: What the hell are you talking about? If you don't stop watching that WCW, I swear I'll brain YOU. Here comes the French Freak, as he likes to be called, Romeo Blue. He is a sight if nothing else.

Snappy: Wow, I didn't know people could have blue hair.

Matt: Snappy, why don't you just shut up for the rest of the match? I'll handle this. The ref rings the bell and we start it off. Romeo goes right for the big dropkick, but Scoyan swats him away. It looks like Scoyan has the size adavntage in this one, and he's using that right off the bat with a reverse arm breaker on the new comer.

Snappy: Welcome to UWF. Where the big boys....

Matt: Finish that sentence and I swear I'll have a new co-host next week. Blue gets to the rops and Scoyan releases the hold, but not before dropping a knee on the extended shoulder. Romeo is really favoring that arm now.

Snappy: Good God. He'll never dance again. Oh, the woman of the world will cry tonight. I wonder if they'll need some consoling, if you know what I mean.

Matt: No, I don't. Aren't you a pedophile? Anyway, back to the ring, Scoyan is setting Romeo up for a hanging vertical suplex. Wow, he took him over hard with that one. Romeo is in a world of hurt right now. Scoyan is really taking it to the new guy.

Snappy: Who would have thunk it? I mean just last week Hinky-Winky was the new guy and now he's showing Blue the ropes. Man, what difference a week makes.

Matt: That was both astute, and idiotic at the same time. How do you do that, Snappy?

Snappy: It's all in the delivery.

Matt: Whatever. Hinklebottom is looking to put this thing away now. He's got Blue standing and is hitting the ropes. No, wait. Romeo pulls the ref in front of him. Ooh, Scoyan just took the ref down with that massive axe kick.

Snappy: Bottom's Up, ref! AHAHAHAHA - I'm funny.

Matt(shaking his head in disgust): Romeo is pulling something out of his trunks.

Snappy: I don't see anything. Where?

Matt: Romeo has just unloaded that lead fist on Scoyan. Oh, man. Scoyan is out. The ref is starting to come to.

Snappy: Wow, that Romeo Green guy really has a punch.

Matt: Shut up, you ass, this is horrible. God, just pin the man. Blue is going for that STF/Crossface combo he calls the "Blue Cross". This guy makes me sick.

Snappy: The ref is calling for the bell. Scoyan can't even tap out. This match is over. Your winner, the Flying French Freak, Romeo Blue.

Matt: This guy is just what we need, another cheating bastard.

Phil McCracken vs. Max Power (Mystery Partner Match)



Matt: Next up on tonight's card is what promises to be a great match. Max Power and Phil McCracken have been going at it in interviews for the past couple weeks, and now they get a chance to settle the score, in this mystery partner tag match.

Snappy: Yeah, Captain Attitude against the Real Deal - maybe they should just talk this one out.

Matt: Yeah, and maybe I should let you take over the company.

("The Attitude Song" fills the arena, and the crowd erupts. Max Power walks out, with Chesty LaRue, who is still dressed in her vacation attire, and has the Hardcore Title strapped around her waist. The guys in the crowd pop even louder when they see this, and the roar becomes deafening. They walk down the ramp, and Power slides in under the bottom rope. He backs into the corner, and points to the top of the ramp. "Living Dead Girl" hits, and the crowd just keeps cheering. Out walk Bill Roger and Sara Sharp. The pair waks to the ring, and Bill climbs onto the apron as Sara walks to the corner. He steps into the ring, and the two men wait for their opponents.)

Matt: Phil McCracken has been promising a surprise for his partner, and we're about to see it. ("The Humpty Dance" comes on over the PA, and the crowd jeers loudly. He gets about halfway down the ramp when the lights go out. A red glow fills the arena, and Firestarter's "Prodigy" starts playing. A figure walks out from the back to stand by Phil, and they charge the ring.)

Matt: OH MY GOD! IT'S COBY COMBUSTION! COBY COMBUSTION IS BACK!

Snappy: And there's a brawl in the ring! Coby and Rogers are going at it, and so are Phil and Pyro!

Matt: The ref's trying to get some order. Finally, he's gotten McCracken and Rogers out of there. Power and Coby lock up, and a headlock by Coby.

Snappy: Power sends him to the ropes, over by Chesty...

(Snappy just drifts off as he stares at the lovely valet of Max Power.)

Matt: Power comes back, there's a leapfrog from Coby. Power hits the near ropes, and goes back with a shoulder block. Neither man moved an inch! Power tries it again. Same result! He's going for it a third time, and NO! He drove forward with a clothesline that just took Coby off his feet!

Snappy: And there's the tag to McCracken! The Real Deal steps in and lays into Power with a hard right hand.

Matt: That took Power off his feet, and McCracken is stomping the hell out of Power! I don't think he appreciated most of the stuff Power said. Power with a low blow, and there's a tag to Bill Roger.

Snappy: He comes in, and more of the same from McCracken! He's on fire here tonight! He was right about it getting warmer!

Matt: Yeah, sure... McCracken drops the elbow, and there's a tag to Coby.

Snappy: And Coby drops an elbow of his own.

Matt: He picks Rogers up, and he puts on a front facelock. He's looking for a suplex, and there's a block by Rogers. And he reverses!

Snappy: Rogers picks him up, and there's a sidewalk slam.

Matt: There's a tag, and a guillotine legdrop from Power! He covers... 1... 2... And McCracken breaks it up! And he's not stopping there. He is beating on Power, and he finally heads back to his corner. And a tag by Coby!

Snappy: Here comes McCracken... he sends Power to the ropes and follows right behind him, with a clothesline.

Matt: NO! He hangs on! He's going for the Real Deal! And Bill Rogers grabs Power - that match should have been over right there!

Snappy: And Rogers tags in, and he hits a clothesline on McCracken. The Real Deal's slowing down a little here, and Rogers is capitalizing. He throws Phil Back into their corner, and Power with a forearm to the head!

Matt: And here comes Coby! He nails Rogers with a superkick! Power's in the ring now, and there's a brain buster on McCracken!

Snappy: Coby picks Rogers up, and there's a dropkick to the face. He heads to the top... Could this be the Shooting Star Press?

Matt: NO! Power hits the ropes, and there won't be any little fires breaking out from Coby any time soon! Power Hops to the second rope, POWER OUTAGE! POWER JUST NAILED A SPRINGBOARD POWER OUTAGE!

Snappy: And Rogers and Phil stagger to their feet. Bill swings... Blocked!!! REAL DEAL!!! REAL DEAL!!! REAL DEAL!!!

Matt: Double cover! 1... 2... 3!!! Phil and Coby get the win, and I don't think Power realizes that!

Snappy: What a match!

Boris Barkoff vs. Manimal

Matt: Our next match is really a storm waiting to happen. Manimal, since joining forces with Harley Quinn, has made a few enemies here in the UWF, and tonight he's facing a former ally in Boris Barkoff. This match should have some pretty heavy World Title implications. Both men are perenial contenders and with the title being so hotly contested, this very well may be a number one contender's match.

Snappy: Right, and after Sir Quinn takes the X-Caliber down, it would be very interesting to see if Manimal and he could co-exist if they were forced to face each other.

Matt: Good point, Snappy. Harley hasn't been known to keep his word on a regular basis. However, I think that calling him the Champion already is very premature. He still has to beat X-Caliber tonight, and that is no small task.

Snappy: Here comes the former World Champion, Manimal. He's looking slightly vexed this evening.

Matt: Snappy, where did you learn that word?

Snappy: Well I was reading....

Matt: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE YOU LEARNED THAT WORD!! Now, you see what you made me do? I swear you're gonna get it for that one. Here comes Boris.

("Sweating Bullets" begins to play, and Manimal walks out, undaunted by the fans' boos.)

("The Redetsky March" starts, and Boris walks out, with Sasha.)

Snappy: Boris and Sasha are looking jovial tonight. I wonder if Sasha has any extra milkshakes.

Matt: You're working, you can't have any. The ref gets this match going. Manimal heads right in with the spear. Boris goes down and Manimal is laying in with those punches.

Snappy: Wow, he looks like he's trying to cave Boris's face in. Wow!

Matt: Let's just hope he's forgot about the last time we talked to him. He's got Boris up, and is sending him to the ropes. Boris, ducks the clothesline, and comes back with a flying elbow smash. He's got Manimal up and is looking for the suplex. Up and over, Manimal is down. Boris, back on the attack. He's got a camel clutch on the former Champ.

Snappy: Boris is trying to rip him in half. Wow, what a match. This man is really looking to make a bid for that title.

Matt: Snappy, I don't know where you're getting this from. I took your book, but I know this ain't you. Anyway, Boris is in control now. He's picked Manimal up, and slammed him to the mat. Boris is hitting the ropes. My God, he's trying to drop a...Well, I guess it's the Worker's Elbow. But no, Manimal got out of the way. He's up, and he's got Boris by the collar, he's gonna put the DDT on him.

Snappy: He's trying to flaten his head like a pancake. This match is great, I wonder if Sasha wants to go out for milkshakes after this.

Matt: I don't think he swings that way, Snappy, but why don't you ask him. Manimal is signaling for the "Road to Nowhere". He's picking Boris up, but no. Boris rolls him up in a small package. 1...2...3! Boris wins! Boris wins! Oh my God Boris wins!

Snappy: And look at Sasha he's beside himself. He and Boris are really gonna paint the town tonight.

Matt: Manimal looks upset. He's not gonna take this lightly. He's got Boris up. My God, "Road to Nowhere!" Manimal has just laid Boris out. This is sick get this guy outa here.

Harley Quinn vs. X-Caliber (World Title Match)

Matt: And now for tonight's main event. Harley Quinn will challenge X-Caliber for the UWF Heavyweight Title. Harley Quinn is a man very accustomed to wearing UWF gold, being the most decorated champion in UWF history. He's won all of them, except for the Hardcore Title, and he has beaten Max Power, who currently holds that belt.

Snappy: X-Caliber is more of a mysterious figure. He's only been around a few months, but he is undefeated to date in the UWF.

(The opening chords of "Crazy Train" ring throughout the UWF Arena, and Harley Quinn walks out from behind the curtain. He is met by a resounding chorus of boos, but walks to the ring undaunted.)

Matt: There is the challenger, looking very focused.

("Pretty Noose" begins, and the crowd goes absolutely wild, cheering for the champ. He slowly walks to the ring, looking a little off his game, most likely because of the tragedy from earlier in the week. He steps into the ring, and the ref signals for the start of the match.)

Matt: Collar and elbow tie up here. And X-Caliber with a nice fireman's carry. Quinn springs to his feet, and both men lock up again. Quinn gets the advantage, and there's a bulldog from the Clown Prince. And he doesn't let go! He picks X-Caliber up for a second, and there it is! And he's going for a third! He picks X-Caliber up, and there's a backdrop! He swings out in front.

Snappy: And there it is! The dreaded Funk Spinning Toe Hold! Dory's best student looking to end it early!

Matt: Do you say stuff like that intentionally, or are you just naturally an imbecile? For the record, Dory Funk Sr.'s dead and X-Caliber has never trained with Dory Jr.

Snappy: Well, Harley's still in a lot of pain, and the ref is checking for the submission.

(X-Caliber spins and spins, until Harley grabs a handful of hair, and gets a 2 count with an inside cradle.)

Matt: Close call there, and Quinn with a kick to the stomach. He follows with a nice swinging neckbreaker, and a cover! 1... and a kickout from X-Caliber.

Snappy: He pops back to his feet and there's an Irish whip by Quinn.

Matt: He picks X-Caliber up sidewalk style, flips him onto his shoulder - Could this be Kingdom Come? NO! X-Caliber sneaks out, and there's a swinging Diamond Cutter from X-Caliber!

Snappy: Cover... 1... 2... NO! Kickout by Quinn!

Matt: X-Caliber drags him to the corner, and he's calling for Midnight X-Treme!!! But look at Harley! He springs to his feet, and launches X-Caliber over the ropes! He was playing possum!

Snappy: And he's in the far corner, just like he should be, to let the ref count.

Matt: Not for long! He sprints to the far corner, hops to the second rope, and now to the top, spins, and nails a great moonsault! He calls it the HarleySault, and X-Caliber was the first victim!

Snappy: But he's not stopping there! He climbs to the top again... He's going for an elbow drop! This could break X-Caliber!

Matt: And X-Caliber rolls out of the way! Harley's now down, and clutching his ribs. X-Caliber rolls him into the ring, and there's a Boston Crab! That puts a lot of pressure on Harley's ribs, which took the brunt of that landing.

(The ref checks frequently for submissions, but nothing doing! Quinn gets to the ropes, and the ref breaks the hold.)

Snappy: X-Caliber keeps kicking the ribs of Quinn, and look at the entrance ramp! Phil McCracken is on his way down to the ring.

(Matt stands up, and tries to get McCracken out of the ringside area. He pushes him aside, and stands in X-CALIBER'S CORNER!)

Snappy: What the Hell's going on? Why is McCracken over there?

Matt: McCracken's on the apron now, and X-Caliber finally sees him. And he's jawing with him now! NO, MCCRACKEN IS IN THE RING!

(The ref goes to break it up, and catches a Real Deal for his troubles. He starts trading punches with X, until Harley Quinn spins X-Caliber around. He plants him with a piledriver, but is too exhausted to make the cover. All of a sudden, a fan runs in from the crowd, grabs Harley's steel gauntlet. Phil sees this, and rolls out of the ring. The guy heads to the top, and hits a Shooting Star Press onto X-Caliber, driving the gauntlet into X-Caliber's chest.)

Matt: OH MY GOD!!! THAT WAS COBY COMBUSTION!!! THERE'S A COVER... NO, NO, NO, THERE'S THE THREE COUNT! Harley Quinn has won, and this is just wrong!

(Phil and Coby get back in the ring, and start stomping on the Clown Prince. Manimal runs out, and he nails Coby with a chair. He picks him up, and nails a choke slam, then turns his attention to Phil. He swings the chair, and NAILS HARLEY QUINN!)

Matt: OH MY GOD!!! Quinn was sneaking up behind McCracken, and Manimal didn't see it!

Snappy: Or did he... he's not in too much of a hurry to strike McCracken!

(Just as Snappy says this, Manimal nails Phil with the chair, and goes to help Harley to his feet. Harley pushes him off, and the show ends with a tense staredown between the two members of the Kingdom.)